I thought this quote fitting for how I am feeling today. I have been really pretty great these past few months in terms of my health and my positive thinking, but as we all know that can't last forever... because unfortunately life will always give you a reason to cry. I guess it's how you handle those moments that really matter. This month is what I like to call my "busy" month... When I am pulled back into the world of Cancer. Am I luckier than most of my warriors who aren't given a busy month because every day for them is "busy?" Yes but does it always make it easier.. not completely.
Well my month started as usual with my skin check visit with my dermatologist, and I'm happy to say this was my first visit where we both felt I didn't need any biopsies. I say both because my doctor greatly takes into consideration my feelings on removing any marks/moles on my body. If I say I am worried about it, it's GONE end of story!
Next I had my CT organ scans I have to say leading up to them this time I wasn't as nervous as usual(probably because I have been too busy with work and wedding planning to think much). However, when that actual day comes around it NEVER gets any easier. I wish there was someway to help my fears but so far I haven't found any way to make this day any less utterly terrifying. Straight from work last Wed., in the blizzard no less, mom and I made our way into the city just in time to enjoy my lovely chilled cocktail of scan juice..yuck. Nurse comes in and I tell my whole vein story per usual.. I can only use one arm.. my veins in that arm hate me.. the best spot is my poor used and abused hand..yada yada yada. Well lets just say he sure added to the abuse part of my hand because he ended up not getting a good line in, which led to the radioactive dye infiltrating the vein during the scan. NOT FUN! It caused me not only be in a lot of pain but to become very sick the next two days after. Oh the joys of tanning huh!!
BUT being sick wasn't too bad when you get the call that the scans are still showing No Evidence of Disease. Then at least I was able to be sick with a very huge smile on my face : )
Lastly, is treatment day.. which was yesterday. This is always the most dreaded for me because on this day I am truly a cancer patient. I am that young lady in the chemo suite with an IV drip in her arm...
Well it started out searching for a good nurse to take my 'multiple' vials of blood, which went very well.. thanks Krystal my new favor blood sucker. Next came usually my favorite part, if you can have one in all this, my meeting with my doctors because I usually come out of these appts. feeling very optimistic. However, this time was not really the case. First off my favorite research nurse, Nurse Motherly, is no longer working in this location.. Yes Im growing to like her replacement Nurse Gretchen but still she was there from the beginning : ( Secondly, Dr. Magical who always brings a smile to my face was replaced by Dr. Nice who I like but is just not as 'Magical' per say. And in our conversation he happens to mention how my scans looked good but my lungs showed a bit of inflammation though nothing we need to worry about right now! WHAT, have you met me.. telling me not to worry is like telling me not to eat.. umm its going to happen. So of course I told him I wasn't satisfied with that answer I need to know more, what does this mean, didn't I get the ALL CLEAR scan call?? Well I think he majorly regretted telling me this tidbit of info but the damage was done. So when my main doc., Dr. Wonder came in he knew I wasn't happy. He explained that this could just be a side-effect from the Ipi(chemo treatment), or its just spots that are on my lungs from being sick in the past, etc, etc. Of course he doesn't actually say or it can be signs of something to come. BUT of course that is all I am hearing because when you have Melanoma all you ever have in you is fear.. hope and fear.. So now I just have to wait for my next scans in 3months to see if the so called "spots" stay spots, disappear, or.. and I'll just leave it at or.
So did I choose this moment to cry nope Mom and I went straight to Bloomingdales, and I had a reason to buy this gorgeous.. slightly expensive necklace, because hey you only live once right!! After that I held my head high and went in for my chemo treatment and laughed and joked around with the wonderful people who work there, whom I've come very fond of for making a terrible experience a little less.. terrible.
Ok ok so no one is perfect, I might have went home and shed a few tiny tiny tears. It happens. But as the saying goes for all the hundreds of reasons that life keeps giving me to cry it gives me a thousand more to smile.
For instance, through all this craziness this month I was able to go to Key West, FL to celebrate a gorgeous wedding of two amazing and very dear friends of mine. I was given another three months, despite the inflammation, to live my wonderful life disease free. Also, I have the most amazing fiance in the world, whom I get to walk down the aisle with in two short months. I have a great job that is understanding of all my appts. and sudden sicknesses. I have incredible parents who would do anything for me, my mom who has never ever ever missed one of my appts. and holds my hand and my heart through it all. I have amazing friends who helped me raise over a thousand dollars to my Melanoma fight for a cure fundraiser. I unfortunately am unable to make it to North Carolina tomorrow for the walk because of my treatment schedule and feeling very weak and tired. But I am there in spirit with all my fellow warriors who have also raised tons of money and awareness!!! LOVE U GUYS : ) And lastly I am thankful for all of you that are reading this and always supporting me.
Jody, Jen, Tracy, Pauline, Nancy, Irene, Cliff, Tim, Maspeth Lions, Diana, Richard and Lorraine, Ann Marie, Jules, Maspeth Knights of Columbus, and my parents. YOU ALL ARE HELPING US GET ONE STEP CLOSER TO FINDING A CURE AND FOR THAT I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL!!
If you would still like to donate you still have time please visit the below link.. thank you!
