Still in Shock..

So the one thing that us warriors fear most has some how become my reality.. How did this happen, I mean I always knew there was a chance and yes it was like the rest, my biggest fear, but I guess like anything else you don't really believe it could happen to you. 

And it has and I think to be honest I'm not sure I have fully accepted it. I'm sort of just hoping to wake up and it all be a big scary dream. I haven't even wrote the words yet.. its like my fingers don't want to type it.. ok here it goes.. I have f***ing Brain Cancer. Wow! I'm in utter shock.

And one of the big reasons I'm in shock is that it wasn't even my scheduled time to have a brain scan. I just had one last month and got the ALL clear. Yes of all people I should know how fast Melanoma spreads.. but a month gosh! Well I guess maybe it was a blessing in disguise that Dr. Wonder got me into this study, because for the protocol I had to have a brain MRI within a month of my start date and I was just a few days shy. None of us expected it to show anything it was just another hoop to jump through for the drug company. 

I had my scan done on Thursday and I had no scan-xiety I was positive I was all good. But that Friday morning I woke up at 8:30am with a bad feeling waiting for the call. I remember thinking what if Dr. Wonder calls because if its him and not the nurse then I'll know. And sure enough an hour later my phone rings and not only was he on the line, my other doctor Dr. Magical was too. My heart dropped I didn't need the introductions.. the how are you doing.. I was like ok just say it tell me the bad news. "Your brain MRI came back with a few spots that are showing concern." A FEW no this is not happening right now. NOT AGAIN. How much bad news can a person hear in such a short span of time. I didn't even ask any questions I just listened, I listened to first the sadness in their voice at having to tell me this terrible news and then the hope.. uh with them there is always the hope. After hearing everything I just cried and told them I am scared. They said we know and its ok to be scared but then you need to fight because Julie you are a fighter, we know this! 

So thats the plan keep fighting. I found that my Dr. had pulled some very BIG strings to get my in this new trial and then pulled some even bigger ones to keep me to stay in it. (Usually any sort of new melanoma especially a brain tumor could have made me ineligible for the study). As my mom had asked him.. So you pretty much had to sell your soul to the devil? And his answer, "For Julie I would do just about anything!" Aaaah!

So starting Thursday as planned I will do the 12 week cycle of chemo.. and in 6 weeks I will get another brain scan. If the tumors(after reading my radiology report, which was a big mistake, there are 6 of them..yikes I thought it was only 2) are growing we will have to talk about radiation and/or surgery. 

Miracles do happen and I am in no way ready not to fight as hard as I can to stay on this Earth as long as possible. I have waaay to much to live for. The stats are grim to say the least.. but heck I have beaten all of the 'so called' Stats!! The stats of any of this happening should have been on my side and I totally blew those out of the water.. haaaa yeah I am still trying to have a sense of humor about it all! But seriously when this all completely sinks in I know the fighter in me is going to once again kick some serious ASS!!

I wanted to thank everyone for the prayers.. WOW I was so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support. There are good people in this world and I thank God everyday that so many of them are in my life. I wanted to give a special thanks  to an amazing friend of our family to reach out an offer me a wonderful gift.. Lets just say acupuncture is in my very near future. LOVE YOU ALL!

AND I HAVE TO OF COURSE END WITH.. WEAR SOME FRIGGIN SUNSCREEN!!!